I've tried writing this post about 500 times. Sadly, that's not an exaggeration since I haven't publicly blogged in 2 years and 2 months. The longer I was away, the more I felt this urge to produce something... profound. That is, until I realized fear was whispering in my ear. When I started listening to my heart, I realized that producing is the thing. Thinking about the thing isn't the thing. So rather than making this eloquent, I'm just going to talk about what's been going on.
During this time away I've been processing and grieving my old life. I went from being a very active person who won awards for being so active to now living with an acquired disability. I've been in denial about it for awhile now, but since my work life and my social life has taken a huge hit, I have now had to come to terms with that identity. Of course, this is all cycical too, so my mental health has taken a toll as well.
During this time away I've been processing and grieving my old life. I went from being a very active person who won awards for being so active to now living with an acquired disability. I've been in denial about it for awhile now, but since my work life and my social life has taken a huge hit, I have now had to come to terms with that identity. Of course, this is all cycical too, so my mental health has taken a toll as well.
There's been many doctor's appointments at numerous locations and lots of medical bills. There was a brain surgery, and a couple of ER visits. I even had a very short stint in a mental facility which is a whole other post for another time. Now I am in therapy. I am also working with my university's HR department on some disability accommodations.
The feeling I've experienced the most over the past few years has been numbness. I don't quite know how to be this other person. I don't recognize her, and I don't really like her. But she is me, and I have be more accepting of that.
The feeling I've experienced the most over the past few years has been numbness. I don't quite know how to be this other person. I don't recognize her, and I don't really like her. But she is me, and I have be more accepting of that.
I turn 30 in one week, and that milestone means a lot to me. It's another factor that nudged me in the direction of publishing this post. As a teenager, I loved 13 Going on 30, and over the next decade of my life, I actually want to live out the "Thirty, Flirty, and Thriving" motto. Laughter and love belong in my life, and I've had far too little of both lately. I need to dance despite my dizziness. I will travel despite the days when I just have to lay up in my hotel. I plan on moving and taking up new hobbies. With accommodations and moderation, I will be gentle with this body of mine but not at the expense of living out my dreams.
The blogging will also make a comeback because I'm not really me without it. It's helpful when I need to unpack the crappy stuff and wonderful when I wish to share dreams that come to fruition.
The blogging will also make a comeback because I'm not really me without it. It's helpful when I need to unpack the crappy stuff and wonderful when I wish to share dreams that come to fruition.