Who am I?
Where do I belong?
What's important to me?
These are just some of the big questions I asked myself at the end of 2015. Maybe it was a quarter-life crisis. Maybe it was just my way of coping.
In late December, my mom had shared with me that her doctors were doing tests on her kidneys- it might be as severe as cancer, they thought. For the first time in many years, I was very, very scared. My mind immediately jumped to the worst case scenarios, and I lost all ability to think rationality. When the news came that is was in fact cancer, I was in my office on campus. I thank God it was early morning here because no one else was in yet. I, of course, was a mess. After I calmed down, I felt comfort in knowing that she was in the best care. I also felt comfort in knowing that kidney removal is a common procedure- the odds were in our favor. But In that moment, none of that mattered! What I felt the weight of was being 1,500 miles away. That suddenly mattered a whole hell of a lot. It was a barrier, and I despised my wretched income for not allowing me to fly away home at a moments notice. I was pissed off at myself for moving. All I wanted to do was be by my mom's side. I needed to be with her and my family. I needed to squeeze them all tight. It wouldn't make the problem go away, but it sure would help us in our time of crisis.
Some time passed, and my mom was finally scheduled for surgery. I booked a ticket and was gone for a week despite the fact that I had a whole lotta anxiety around unplugging and giving my full attention to this pressing matter. Truth be told, I felt this heavy pressure at work to not leave for 5 business days. It was just at the cusp of our busiest season on campus which was pretty inconvenient timing for me to be peacin' out. But the thing was, I wasn't just peacin' out. This was real life stuff waving its arms up in the air and demanding that I pay attention to it. So I bucked up, starting believing in my decision to leave, and felt this obligation to put the rest of my duties on hold. For once in my life I actually let everything else fall to the weigh-side. All other things could and did function without me. Imagine that!
Now generally speaking, everything with the surgery went well. I helped my mom with her recovery and started job searching in Kansas. I wanted to live closer but was ultimately not ready for that life decision. With mixed feelings, I decided to stay in Seattle. I realized that while moving back would allow me to see my family more often, it wouldn't change my relationship with them and that's not what I was really seeking in the first place.
What I was seeking was perspective around investment, or what I had been deeply invested in. I started to ask myself why I was so concerned about leaving work. Part of it was about the people I actually did interact with on a daily basis, i.e. students and colleagues.They are what make my job worthwhile. Period. However, if I'm being real honest, I was even more concerned with things like letting my email inbox fill up or never catching up on tasks once I got back. The reality was vain, and I was a putz for getting so caught up in that type of investment.
While I was and still am invested in what I get done at work, at the end of the day, I am more invested in my family and the people I do the work with. That stands the test of 9-5 "job time", and processing all of this led me to a big life discovery: that there are bigger things in life than to-do lists and pay checks.
Of course I knew that before this evolution. I even claimed to truly believe in that. But I wasn't walking the walk. I was just talking the talk. I'd get too stressed out and caught up in the egotistical ways of being "busy". It's like when I answer "just busy" when someone asks me how I'm doing. Have you ever got caught doing that? Ugh. Gross. I still find myself saying that sometimes, but now a flag goes up in my brain. It shouts: "GUESS WHAT, EDEN!? Busy isn't a FEELING". Nope. I concur, brain. I concur. Instead, it's this thing many of us have become obsessed with since our lives revolve around the numerous things we have to do, do, do, and our phones never shut off. In turn, we are always reminded of those things that aren't done, done, done. Isn't it exhausting??
So I began to reexamine my purpose in life. It was during a session of Contemplative Leaders in Action that I was even reminded of this thing the Jesuit's call VOCATION.
Here are some synonyms for the word "vocation":
Where do I belong?
What's important to me?
These are just some of the big questions I asked myself at the end of 2015. Maybe it was a quarter-life crisis. Maybe it was just my way of coping.
In late December, my mom had shared with me that her doctors were doing tests on her kidneys- it might be as severe as cancer, they thought. For the first time in many years, I was very, very scared. My mind immediately jumped to the worst case scenarios, and I lost all ability to think rationality. When the news came that is was in fact cancer, I was in my office on campus. I thank God it was early morning here because no one else was in yet. I, of course, was a mess. After I calmed down, I felt comfort in knowing that she was in the best care. I also felt comfort in knowing that kidney removal is a common procedure- the odds were in our favor. But In that moment, none of that mattered! What I felt the weight of was being 1,500 miles away. That suddenly mattered a whole hell of a lot. It was a barrier, and I despised my wretched income for not allowing me to fly away home at a moments notice. I was pissed off at myself for moving. All I wanted to do was be by my mom's side. I needed to be with her and my family. I needed to squeeze them all tight. It wouldn't make the problem go away, but it sure would help us in our time of crisis.
Some time passed, and my mom was finally scheduled for surgery. I booked a ticket and was gone for a week despite the fact that I had a whole lotta anxiety around unplugging and giving my full attention to this pressing matter. Truth be told, I felt this heavy pressure at work to not leave for 5 business days. It was just at the cusp of our busiest season on campus which was pretty inconvenient timing for me to be peacin' out. But the thing was, I wasn't just peacin' out. This was real life stuff waving its arms up in the air and demanding that I pay attention to it. So I bucked up, starting believing in my decision to leave, and felt this obligation to put the rest of my duties on hold. For once in my life I actually let everything else fall to the weigh-side. All other things could and did function without me. Imagine that!
Now generally speaking, everything with the surgery went well. I helped my mom with her recovery and started job searching in Kansas. I wanted to live closer but was ultimately not ready for that life decision. With mixed feelings, I decided to stay in Seattle. I realized that while moving back would allow me to see my family more often, it wouldn't change my relationship with them and that's not what I was really seeking in the first place.
What I was seeking was perspective around investment, or what I had been deeply invested in. I started to ask myself why I was so concerned about leaving work. Part of it was about the people I actually did interact with on a daily basis, i.e. students and colleagues.They are what make my job worthwhile. Period. However, if I'm being real honest, I was even more concerned with things like letting my email inbox fill up or never catching up on tasks once I got back. The reality was vain, and I was a putz for getting so caught up in that type of investment.
While I was and still am invested in what I get done at work, at the end of the day, I am more invested in my family and the people I do the work with. That stands the test of 9-5 "job time", and processing all of this led me to a big life discovery: that there are bigger things in life than to-do lists and pay checks.
Of course I knew that before this evolution. I even claimed to truly believe in that. But I wasn't walking the walk. I was just talking the talk. I'd get too stressed out and caught up in the egotistical ways of being "busy". It's like when I answer "just busy" when someone asks me how I'm doing. Have you ever got caught doing that? Ugh. Gross. I still find myself saying that sometimes, but now a flag goes up in my brain. It shouts: "GUESS WHAT, EDEN!? Busy isn't a FEELING". Nope. I concur, brain. I concur. Instead, it's this thing many of us have become obsessed with since our lives revolve around the numerous things we have to do, do, do, and our phones never shut off. In turn, we are always reminded of those things that aren't done, done, done. Isn't it exhausting??
So I began to reexamine my purpose in life. It was during a session of Contemplative Leaders in Action that I was even reminded of this thing the Jesuit's call VOCATION.
Here are some synonyms for the word "vocation":
- calling
- life's work
- mission
Every one of those words bares more meaning to me than referring to what I do as "work" or a "job". Plus, vocation has no concern for being busy. It thrives off of intentional time spent with people and things you are invested in.
Defining my vocation has allowed me to invite in more purposeful exchanges and meaningful conversations that are more in line with who I am and what I believe in. Lately, they've come to me more naturally and caught me off guard with their frequency. I'm talking about deep-dive talks that make me feel grounded in every sense of the word. They give me goosebumps, and instead of being obsessed with the time or what I have to do next, I receive each exchange with gratitude. I accept that I have time for the exchange because I am attracting said interactions.
Defining my vocation has allowed me to invite in more purposeful exchanges and meaningful conversations that are more in line with who I am and what I believe in. Lately, they've come to me more naturally and caught me off guard with their frequency. I'm talking about deep-dive talks that make me feel grounded in every sense of the word. They give me goosebumps, and instead of being obsessed with the time or what I have to do next, I receive each exchange with gratitude. I accept that I have time for the exchange because I am attracting said interactions.
Thus, we have the reinvention of Life Scribbler. At first it was just going to be this new space for my blog. Well then I got to thinking about my own struggles. I hired a coach and invested time and money into my vocation. I've come out the other side humbled and at ease with this new calling of mine. What are you invested in, and what is your vocation? Feel free to comment below or contact me. Maybe we can figure it out together!
